The Toxic Patterns: Stonewalling | Communicating Effectively in your Relationship | Part 4

Have you ever had your partner raise a concern and, just as things are starting to get a little more intense, you find yourself shutting down? You might even start to respond to what their saying to you with one word responses, like “whatever,” or “fine,” or “Yup.” If the conversation doesn’t stop (which it often does), it might result in a detour (e.g. “See, you always do that!”), or you might end up just leaving the room. 

This is stonewalling: the third of the four toxic communication patterns that show up in relationships. 

As the name implies, this pattern is the emotional equivalent of building a stone wall between you and your partner. You are no longer interested (or able) in continuing the interaction and so you seal yourself off. 

Not Able to Continue? 

Wait a minute? Did you read that correctly? Not able to continue?

Let me explain what we’re getting at here. At the core of Gottman’s research related to stonewalling are some important physiological truths. Stonewalling is often a response to physiological flooding - this when you find yourself in that state when your heart is racing, you might feel tension, you might be feeling your blood pressure rise. Inside your body, when this happens, your stress hormones and adrenaline are rising, and your brain is quite literally shifting from a calm, rational state to a self-protection mode. 

Stonewalling is often the flight in fight-or-flight.

What Makes Stonewalling Toxic?

On the one hand, stonewalling is a defensive, self-protective reaction to feeling overwhelmed. On the other hand, it’s incredibly damaging to relationships. It often triggers feelings of rejection or abandonment which can lead to stagnation or a stalemate where nothing gets resolved.

It can also lead to a vicious circle of distancing. Once a person withdraws, their partner may push harder for a response, getting angrier or intensifying their demands. The stonewaller then withdraws even further. It’s in these interactions that insults, criticism, or even contempt can enter the equation. 

The Healthy Alternative: Taking a Break

Stonewalling is most often a nervous system response. It’s physiological. So, in order to engage an alternative, we have to approach it from a physiological perspective.

The physiological realities that we see in stonewalling (e.g. elevated heart rate, increased adrenaline/cortisol levels, etc) take time to return to normal. So quite literally taking a break is the best line of defense. This gives an opportunity for the stonewaller’s body to return to a calmer state where they can reengage with their rational brain. You can aid this return to normal by taking a walk or engaging in some calming activity. 

But remember that stonewalling often leads to feelings of abandonment or rejection in the other partner. So, the break needs to be structured and time-limited. In other words, it’s important to ask for a break but with the caveat that in some time period (usually 20-30 minutes), the stonewaller will return to continue the conversation. It can’t be open ended or those feelings of rejection can still seep in and cause problems. 

Counselling can Help!

In therapy, couples can learn to recognize patterns like stonewalling, understand the emotional dynamics beneath them, and develop healthier ways of navigating conflict. Rather than shutting down or escalating arguments, partners can begin to create space for listening, understanding, and repair.

Stonewalling doesn’t mean a relationship is failing. More often, it means someone’s nervous system has become overwhelmed.

With awareness, patience, and the right support, couples can learn to move from shutdown and frustration toward conversations that feel safer, calmer, and more connected.