The Toxic Patterns: Defensiveness | Communicating Effectively in your Relationship | Part 3
This is the third in a series of posts about communicating in your relationship - check out part one here. We’ll be posting these often so keep checking back for the latest instalment. You might also consider attending our workshop on couple communication in February 2026. Learn more about that on our Landmark Learning Sessions page.
Defending When You Feel Attacked
Last time, we talked about criticism and how it can sabotage conversations before they even get started. When you start with criticism, it’s like you already have a hole to dig yourselves out of before you can having meaningful communication.
When criticism is the starting point, defensiveness – the second of the four toxic patterns – is almost always what happens next.
Defensiveness is the stance and the set of behaviours that we tend to engage in when we perceive that we’re being attacked, criticized, or blamed. Of course, it makes sense that we defend ourselves when we’re attacked but it’s important to note that we can perceive attack or criticism even when it’s not intended. As couples therapists, we know that we often see criticism and defensiveness showing up together but that’s not always the case.
The pattern can take on different forms. Sometimes, defensiveness can look like deflection (e.g. “That’s not what I meant.” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”) or even a counterattack (e.g. “What about the insulting things you said to me?” or “You’re no saint either!”). Because it’s more of a stance rather than a specific behaviour, the important characteristic is that defensiveness shifts the focus away from understanding what a partner is trying to communicate or request and towards justifying yourself for what you did or didn’t do.
Usually, we see defensiveness as falling into one of these four categories:
Counterattack
Making Excuses
Playing the Victim
Denying Reality
We’ll share more about these with some concrete examples at the end of this post.
Defensiveness as Self-Protection
Defensiveness is a normal response to feeling attacked and you’re not a bad partner for feeling defensive. Let’s face it, we all want to be good partners - that’s something we strive for. When we hear that our loved one has a complaint or a request, it can sometimes feel like a criticism or trigger feelings of inadequacy in us and our nervous system can easily and quickly interpret that as a threat. Defensiveness is a set a learned behaviours that can shut down those bad feelings and that can often feel a whole lot better than opening ourselves up and being vulnerable or hearing that there’s something that our partner doesn’t appreciate.
So, while the self-protection that defensive gives us is understandable, it’s not the most productive way to communicate in relationships.
The Antidote to Defensiveness
Just like the other toxic communication patterns, the Gottmans assure us that defensiveness has an antidote. That antidote is taking responsibility. When our partner expresses a concern or complaint, rather than reflexively defending ourselves the more productive approach is to hear what they’re saying (to really listen without preparing a rebuttal) and to take responsibility for the concern – even for just a portion of what the concern might be. You can do this even if your partner brings up the concern in a blatantly critical way; it’s still possible to take responsibility even if your partner doesn’t share their concern in the healthiest way.
Taking responsibility does exactly the opposite of what defensiveness does: it shifts the focus towards understanding and empathy which is exactly the kind of thing that keeps you feeling connected in your relationship.
So, here are a couple of examples of defensive responses from the four categories that we mentioned earlier reframed as responses that take responsibility. We’ll start each example with a complaint or concern and then we’ll demonstrate a defensive response and a healthier response.
Counterattack
Complaint/Concern: “You forgot to pick up the groceries.”
Defensiveness: “Well, you forget to pay our telephone bill last week!”
Taking Responsibility: “I know. I’m sorry. I can go first thing in the morning.”
Making Excuses
Complaint/Concern: “I’d really appreciate it if you can let me know if you’re going to be late getting home after work.”
Defensiveness: “Oh come on. I can’t help it if traffic was bad. There was a big accident that had us backed up for miles.”
Taking Responsibility: “Yeah, I know that can be frustrating not knowing when I’ll be home. I’ll try to do better about keeping you in the loop.”
Playing the Victim
Complaint/Concern: “When I try to share my feelings with you, it sometimes feels like you try to make the conversation about yourself.”
Defensiveness: “Oh geez. Right! Because I’m the worst partner ever. I don’t even know why you stay with me.”
Taking Responsibility: “I’m sorry. I know I’m not always the best at just listening. I’ll do better.”
Denying Reality (aka Gaslighting)
Complaint/Concern: “It really makes me feel awkward when I know you’ve been talking to your friends about me. I’d like you to stop.”
Defensiveness: “Whatever! You’re overreacting. There’s nothing to get upset about.”
Taking Responsibility: “I’m sorry. I don’t ever mean to hurt you but I can see how that would make you feel guarded around them. I can respect that.”
Defensiveness is such a reflexive action that it can be really hard to catch and change. But that’s the practice here. And the motivation is that you will almost certainly notice a shift in your relationship if you can start responding in a way that takes responsibility for your actions and moves you towards understanding your partner’s concerns.
It’s important to know that reflexes like defensiveness aren’t character flaws. But they’re also things that can be restrained and replaced with something more effective.
Your partner will thank you for it.