Strong Enough to Feel: Why Men Get Confused About their Feelings

I’m going to say some things to the men here. It’s important for men to know that whatever they’re going through, they can be strong enough to reach out for help. So, what I hope you get out of this is a sense that you don’t have to feel like you’re misunderstood, unappreciated, or that you just don’t get it.

It’s time to think differently about your feelings.

The Important Things to Know About Men and their Feelings

First of all, men have feelings. It’s true. It’s not what we tend to see when we’re talking to other guys or watching men on television. But this is a really important starting point. You don’t need to know much about them or even like them right now. If we’re going to talk about what it’s like for men to be their best selves, it’s going to have to start with acknowledging the emotions you’ve got.

For the record, we often talk about men getting angry. Anger is a feeling but we usually talk about it in terms of losing control. We “lost our temper” or we “couldn’t think clearly.” When that happens – when we rage or lose our temper – it can be damaging to people and to our relationships. All the more reason to think differently about our feelings and learn how we can still be angry without losing control.

So, the second thing I want to say: men can learn to recognize and master their feelings.

There’s research out there about feelings. It says that, generally, people can only recognize when they’re happy, when they’re sad, or when they’re pissed off. That’s it. Three feelings.

There are way more than three feelings.

Usually, though, we aren’t given a good model for understanding what it is that we’re feeling, let alone actually knowing what to do with that feeling. It’s no wonder we end up feeling frustrated and angry as much as we do. We’ve got all energy inside that we don’t have an easy way to get rid of.

What Am I Supposed to Do With My Feelings?

Have you ever wondered what the point of having feelings actually is? We can get so amped up about things but it seems like a design flaw to just end up blowing our tops when we get angry. What are we actually supposed to do when our feelings ramp up? If we don’t lose our temper what in the world are we supposed to do?

What I’m willing to bet you haven’t been told is that feelings are meant to be used to help communicate something. And feelings can be regulated or relieved in at least a couple of ways.

What do I mean that feelings are meant to communicate something? Feelings can be complicated and hard to understand but at the end of the day, feelings are just data. That’s it. You experience something and then you feel something in response. You see your child do well at school, you feel proud. You get close to finishing that project in the workshop only to realize you’re out of nails and you need to head back to the hardware store, and you feel frustrated. Your team loses in the first round of the playoffs again and you feel devastated.

At the very least, these feelings are meant to communicate something to yourself. On a real basic level, feelings are going to either be pleasant or unpleasant and they give you a way to start recognizing what are the things I like in my life and what are the things I wish were different. It’s almost like feelings are your brain’s way of steering you towards good things and away from bad.

So, the first things you’re supposed to do with your feelings is recognize them. When you feeling something, pay attention to whether it feels good or bad (i.e. pleasant or unpleasant) and how intense it is. A really powerful pleasant feeling might be something like feeling thrilled or ecstatic. A lower intensity pleasant feeling might be something like calm or mellow. A powerful, unpleasant feeling might be livid or enraged.

As a general rule, move towards the things that feel good and away from the things that feel bad.

But the second part of this communication is actually communicating with someone else. Maybe your partner has asked you to open up or share more. This is what they mean. They want you to pay attention to what you’re feeling and to what triggered that feeling in you, and then share it with them.

After supper, when the kids are getting ready for bed, saying something like, “I was super proud when our son came home and told us that he aced that test. That felt really good.”

Or, when something happens at work: “Can I just tell you that I felt so discouraged today when that project I was working on at the office just got cancelled? I know there were budget cuts but it still made me feel unimportant.”

When you share you feelings with a partner who cares about you, they begin to lose their intensity.

That’s why when we bottle things up, we often end up being unable to contain the feelings anymore. We explode. We say hurtful things and then we feel bad about ourselves.

There’s a lot more to say here - including that I’m aware sometimes the people that love us aren’t able to really hear what it is that we’re feeling. I get it. But the first two steps in this process are to recognize what you’re feeling and to communicate that to the people that care (including to yourself).

Tools

There’s a really great app that I like to recommend to people who are learning to recognize what they’re actually feeling. It’s called How We Feel (Download the app here). It’s like a little feelings coach who can help you figure out what you might be feeling and some ideas about what to do about it.

It just asks you to start to identifying two things:

• How pleasant is the feeling you’re having?

• How intense is the feeling you’re having?

From there, it walks you through identifying the feeling you’re having. It’s a great practice for anyone, but especially men like you who want to learn how to control the things that they’re feeling.

Next time, we’ll talk about how helpful it can be to reach out for help.